


Koi No Yokan

by Lovely_Reira



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M, Gen, I promise, I'll stop writing angst when I stop being so angsty, Lots of roof talks, No one actually commits suicide, Or when I come up with a non angsty idea, Plus this one will be longer, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, This is my second suicide fic with Spencer, kind of angst, the reader just contemplates it before Spencer talks her down, this one has no hospitals though so yay!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:12:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9822050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lovely_Reira/pseuds/Lovely_Reira
Summary: Sometimes when you meet someone, you just know that they are going to change your life. For better or worse, you do not know. The only certain being that they will either leave you better than before or completely destroyed. This was one of those times.





	1. Koi No Yokan

The air was cool on her face as she stood on the roof of her apartment complex, she stood so close to the edge that a strong burst of wind would likely be enough to send her over. She glanced over the edge at the cars below, there was a lot of them that night, more than usual for almost one in the morning. It made her grimace thinking that so many people would have to see this. That wasn't what she wanted. It made her reconsider whether or not tonight was the right time but, she was scared that if she turned back now she would never regain the courage to go through with it. That's why she had chosen this method. Once she did it, there was no turning back. There was no wimping out. Just a moment of decision and then it would be all gone. Her legs shook as she moved closer, trying to steady the erratic breathing of her heartbeat. 

"I promise Morgan, I'm doing fine. Better now that I'm back on the job. You don't need to keep checking on me," a voice cut through the relative silence. "Hey...I have to go. See you bright and early tomorrow." He said, putting away his phone when his eyes passed over the girl only about ten feet from him. "Hey, excuse me. You probably shouldn't stand so close to the edge, you could fall." 

Y/N looked back at him, not moving. "Don't worry about it, I'm a big girl and I can handle myself. Now go away. I wanna be alone," she told him harshly, looking back at the ground below. 

Spencer licked his lips, thinking for only a moment. "I don't think I can do that. You see, if I walk away now and something bad happened to you, well I would be the first suspect which would be pretty bad for me. Not to mention that I would have a hard time forgiving myself. If you came over here I would feel a lot better." 

"Look, I know what you are trying to do and you are just wasting your breath, pretty boy. I've made my choice and I would appreciate it if your choices led you back downstairs." 

"Pretty boy? You know, you aren't the first person to call me that. My friend calls me that too. Not sure why, I wouldn't say I qualify as particularly pretty," Spencer rambled, hoping that if he talked long enough that something good would come from it.

The woman in front of him sighed, presumably agitated by his presence. Spencer didn't care. Not right now. Maybe her agitation would lead her to come closer to him. "Please...just go away." While her words sounded annoyed, there was also a soft pleading. 

Spencer took a couple short steps closer. "I told you, I can't. So just step away from the ledge, I've seen too many good people die recently, please don't make me watch you die too."

This seemed to have caught her interest. "Who have you seen die recently?" She glanced back at him once more. 

"I'll tell you more about it if you come closer." 

She was skeptical about whether or not he was telling her the truth. "How do I know you aren't lying to me to get me to do what you want?" She asked him. 

It was a valid question. "I'll tell you her name first, then you come closer and I'll tell you whatever else. Maybe you can tell me what led you here too," he suggested, receiving a nod in response. "Her name was Maeve. Maeve Donavan. I held up my end, your turn." 

Y/N turned around slowly, taking a few steps away from the edge of the building, away from the traffic. Far enough that her own nervousness seeped away, making her relax a bit. However, the man before her didn't seem content until she was closer to him than the ledge.

"Don't you feel better now?" He asked her. 

Y/N shrugged. "I feel less like I'm going to fall off a building any second but, better? Not even close." Her arms instinctively wrapped around her midsection. "Can you just go now?" The longer she stood in front of him the more embarrassed and silly she felt. 

Spencer shook his head. "I have to finish my end of the deal."

-

The two had ended up sitting down on the rooftop facing one another, Y/N listening as the long haired man who had technically saved her told her about the girl he had fallen head over heels in love with only to have her killed right in front of him. It made her own issues seem petty, especially whenever he had to stop to keep his emotions in check. 

"I'm sorry." 

He took in a deep breath, allowing the cool air to calm him a bit. "Why are you sorry? It's not fault." He knew he was being a bit of a hard ass but, something told him that she wouldn't mind all that much. 

Y/N shrugged as best she could with her knees pulled to her chest. "Not sure, I just am. Maybe because you had to relive it all because of me." 

"Don't worry about it. It was actually nice to be able to talk about it." Spencer told her honestly. Besides, he relived it all anyways, just usually all by himself. 

She raised her eyebrow at him. "What about those friends of yours? Can't you talk to them about it?" His friends sounded like pretty incredible people from what he had told her so she doubted they would turn him away if he wanted to talk. 

"I can, it's just...I don't need them babying me. They are already all worried about me and I don't want to make it any worse." 

"I see... You shouldn't bottle it all up though. It's just going to make things worse so if you ever need to talk, I'm here, I guess." 

Spencer smiled at her slightly, trying to convey how grateful he was without words since he knew she would only probably retract the offer if he made too much of a big deal about it. "You know...I just realized that I don't know your name." 

This was the first time Y/N realized it as well. In her head she had just been referring to him as pretty boy. "Right, considering I basically just signed on as your personal therapist, we should probably know each other's names, huh... Well, I'm Y/F/N." 

"I'm Spencer Reid." 

"Yeah that makes sense," Y/N said as she eyed him. 

Spencer's face scrunched up in confusion. "What is that supposed to mean?" 

"You just look like a Spencer." 

"Is that a good or a bad thing?" 

She thought for a moment on that. Well, she hadn't really meant it as a bad thing, but she supposed it wasn't innately a positive thing either. He just fit his name. "I guess it's good. I mean, at least you don't look like a Dudley or Humphrey." 

The idea of such a thing made his nose wrinkle in distaste before he cocked his head slightly as if observing her. 

"What are you looking at?" 

His face was completely serious as he spoke. "You know, now that you mention it, you kind of look like a Humphrey." He pressed his lips together to try and stop them from twitching up into smile, though he couldn't hide the twinkle of mischief in his eyes.

Y/N glared at him. "Don't make me kick your ass, Dudley," she threatened, stressing the name, though she was also fighting the urge to smile as he began laughing softly. 

A small chill passed through Y/N, making her rub at her bare arms. When had it gotten so cold? Why hadn't she grabbed a coat? Oh yeah, the didn't think she would need to worry about feeling cold when she was dead. It had made sense at the time but, now that she wasn't too preoccupied to notice she was seriously regretting the decision.

Spencer noticed and began taking off his own coat. "You should have mentioned you were cold," he told her. 

"It's fine, we should probably head in now anyway. It's late." Y/N pushed herself up so that she was standing, looking down at Spencer. 

"We spent the whole time talking about me," he said, sounding kind of disappointed to Y/N. 

"It seems that you'll just have to invest more time in me if you want to unlock my tragic backstory. We could always meet back up here tomorrow night around the same time," Y/N suggested, trying not to show how hopeful she was that he would accept her proposal. Her hope sank at the hesitant look on his face. "Or not. That's fine too. We can both just forget that this happened." 

Spencer immediately interjected. "No, that's not it. My work hours aren't really well defined so it's hard for me to promise that I'll be here for sure. How about we exchange numbers so if something happens, I can let you know so you don't wait for me." He took the chance to stand up as well. 

"Yeah, that's fine with me. I don't have my phone with me so I'll give you my number." 

"Great, and I'll text you so that you have my number. Just so you know, you can feel free to call me if you ever need to talk or anything. I may not respond immediately because of work but I'll call you back as soon as I can," he told her, the serious look back on his face as he fished into his pocket to grab his phone before handing it to her. 

Y/N took it, putting her name and number into his contacts. "Don't worry, that probably won't happen. I'm a professional bottler of emotions," she half-joked, handing him back the device. 

"Weren't you the one who said it wasn't good to bottle things up?" 

"Yeah but, come on, who actually follows their own advice?" Y/N asked rhetorically, walking towards the door that would lead them downstairs, opening it but, stopping halfway through. "Goodnight Spencer. Oh, that offer of yours goes for me too. If you need someone to lend an ear, well I've got two for a reason." 

With that she let the door swing close behind her, leaving Spencer alone on the roof. He had a feeling that meeting this girl was going to change his life more than he actually realized. Though, that could just be wishful thinking on his part. He glanced down at the contact in his phone, smiling slightly when he saw her name with 'Humphrey' written in parentheses beside it. Spencer opened up a new chat with her, figuring he should message her now before he forgot, though he knew that was practically impossible. 

'Hey it's Spencer.' He typed out as he began walking back to his apartment. There wasn't any response until he was almost all the way back. He pulled out his phone and looked down at the words on the screen.

'Alright. Contact saved. Get some sleep, pretty boy.' 

'You too.' 

'No need to worry about me. Already half way to dreamville!' 

Spencer smiled slightly, putting his phone away as he walked into his home. For the first time in a while, he was pretty sure that he was going to actually being able to sleep well.


	2. Her Reason

Spencer was grateful when the work day ended without a sudden case for the to race off for. That meant he didn't have to cancel his plans with Y/N. It was clear that she was scared that he was trying to make excuses to not see her again and he truly didn't want her to think that was the case because it wasn't. He actually really enjoyed being around her. Something about her presence was calming to him, made him feel like he could say anything without judgement yet, he knew that she wouldn't pull punches and would tell him what he needed to hear, not what he wanted to hear. There was a large part of him that wanted to know more about her as well, wanted to understand her. 

Spencer had his phone out as he got into the elevator, Alex getting in after him. She, along with the others had been watching him pretty closely the past couple of weeks due to him only recently coming back after losing Maeve. They were all worried about him. Today he seemed different, less tired, less stressed. In fact, he actually seemed a bit happier than usual. It was something that made Alex incredibly curious. 

'In the clear for now, we still on for later?' Spencer messaged Y/N. 

The response back was relatively quick. 'Yeah. See you later.' 

He smiled down at the message, glad that she hadn't changed her mind since last night. Spencer put his phone back, feeling a pair of eyes on him.

"You seem a lot happier today," the older woman noted. 

Spencer nodded. "I suppose I've been feeling a bit better." 

That hadn't led to as much of a conversation as she had hoped. "Have you started seeing anyone?" 

"Did you really think I would move on so fast?" Spencer asked, clearly offended at the suggestion. 

Alex held her hands up in defense. "I meant like a therapist. I figured you had gotten to talk really out what's going on in that brain of yours and that's why you were feeling better," she explained, though his defensiveness made her a bit suspicious.

Spencer relaxed a bit after the misunderstanding was explained. "Oh. No, I haven't started seeing a therapist." He said. Besides the mandatory sessions, which hadn't helped at all due to him only answering in the ways that he know they wanted him to, he hadn't bothered to go to a therapist. It would only take up his time and there was no doubt he would have to cancel most of his appointments due to work. 

"Well, whatever you are doing differently, you should keep it up." 

A small smile crossed his lips. "I think I will." 

-

"Apparently you are a pretty good personal therapist. One of my friends told me I seemed happier." 

Y/N couldn't help but smirk ever so slightly at this. "Yeah, I have that effect on people," she joked. 

"I guess it's my turn to be your therapist tonight though. Sorry about the lack of a comfortable couch for you to lay on," Spencer told her, not really seeming all that sorry. 

This was something that had been making Y/N pretty anxious all day, having to actually talk about the things that plagued her thoughts. She took a deep, shaky breath. "Well, don't get your tissues ready or anything. My shit is nothing compared to yours." Y/N looked down at her lap. She seemed incredibly timid, completely out of character from what Spencer had observed, though to be fair he was still very new to her. "You know, honestly, it's not even worth talking about. It's dumb, this is dumb. I'm not gonna complain to the guy who has to deal with serial killers and, and-" she started, speaking fast, he could see it, she was shutting down emotionally, putting up a wall. 

"Y/N, I wanna know. I want you to tell me. You don't have to tell me the source of all of it but...tell me how you were feeling last night. What thoughts were going through your mind, let's start there." 

She nodded slowly, trying to get her own thoughts in order. Just say how she was feeling, not too hard. Don't think, just speak. "I felt...empty. Like there wasn't any point to living when every day I went to sleep thinking the same thing as I woke up, that Im going to have to go another day hating every breath I take, knowing that nothing would change if all of the sudden I just stopped," it all came out like an exhale, like the words had been on the tip of her tongue for so long just with no one to tell them to. "I had nothing to live for, just a constant hollowness and no will to live." 

Spencer took in all of her words, he wanted to say the right thing to her. He knew that whatever he would say wasn't going to magically fix her but, he did want to help. He licked his lips, thinking for a moment before deciding on what to say. "Close your eyes." 

"What?" 

"Just do it, trust me," Spencer insisted. 

Y/N hesitantly did as he asked her. "Alright, they're closed. Now what?" 

"Think back to the happiest moment of your life." When her shoulders relaxed slightly he continued. "What is it?" 

"Holding my baby sister for the first time." 

Spencer nodded. "Tell me, what was the weather like that day?" 

"Kind of chilly. It was sunny though, I think." 

"Walk me through that day as best you can." 

Y/N opened one eye. "Spencer, I don't see how this is going-"

"Less complaining, more remembering." 

She sighed and closed her eye again, taking a deep breath in through her nose before starting, just wanting to get through her little reliving session. "Uh, it was a little over ten years ago, I was seventeen and had been completely awful the entire time mom was pregnant, not too proud of that. It was just me and her when she went into labor. I was scared but, I got her into the car and drove her to the hospital. The entire time I was so sure I was going to crash because my hands just wouldn't stop shaking. The next twelve hours, well eleven hours and forty-seven minutes to be specific, was just a lot of waiting around and then dad came out of the room and told me that she was born. I didn't really like kids so I was completely content to just stay outside while everyone fawned over the baby but, dad convinced me to go in for mom's sake. So my grouchy ass followed him in and watched from the corner as my parents ogled at her. Then mom asked me if I wanted to hold her. I didn't but, she was tired and I didn't want to upset her. So I agreed to hold her for just a minute. Dad handed her to me and she just kept looking at me with those big dark eyes. Then, she...she smiled up at me. She didn't care if I was perfect or if I was top of my class or that I had been a total bitch about her existence since the moment I found out, she was just happy to see me." 

"Alright, now tell me, how did you feel then, in that moment." Spencer watched her, noticing the small smile that had crept onto her face. 

"Warm, loved, like I wanted to live in that moment forever." 

"That's what you have to hold on for, for that feeling. For the moments that you can feel that. Those are the moments you have to be strong for because, as much as things hurt, if you are dead you won't be able to enjoy moments like those again," Spencer told her. 

Y/N opened her eyes. "That's the only time I've ever felt like that. When will I feel like that again?" She asked, knowing he wouldn't have an answer but, that didn't stop her from asking. 

"I can't tell you that. You are just going to have to wait for it." 

There was a moment of silence between them as Y/N took in his words, thinking on how to respond. "Spencer...that was...cheesy as hell...but thank you. While I won't say that I'm magically cured of any longing to cease existing, I will say that I do feel a bit better." She smiled at him, a bit embarrassed to admit such a thing. 

Some part of her was wondering why she was doing this, talking about her emotions with some guy that she barely knew. Was it because he stopped her and cared enough to ask? That was certainly possible but, it felt like it was something deeper than that. There was a sense of trust that she had in him, though she couldn't explain what exactly he had done to earn it so quickly. This wasn't even the kind of thing that she had spoken about with anyone before. 

"Alright, talking about me has officially gone on too long. Let's talk about something else. What's this job of yours that keeps you from making plans?" She asked, eager to change the topic. 

"Oh, I work with the FBI in the Behavioral Analysis Unit," Spencer told her. 

There was a mixture of shock and disbelief on Y/N's face. "You are in the FBI? How? You are so...quirky and not anything like the movies. What FBI agent wears mismatched socks?" 

Spencer couldn't help but laugh at her surprise, it wasn't an abnormal reaction. "If you think I don't look like an FBI agent, you should see our tech analyst." 

"So should I call you Agent Reid then?" She joked, trying to downplay how shocked she really was. 

"Dr. Reid, actually." 

"Sounds fancy. So you get into the minds of people?" It actually sounded pretty cool to her. Suddenly, her eyes narrowed as she looked at him. "You better not do your behavior analyzing stuff on me. If you want to know something just ask, no assumptions."

Spencer nodded. "I'll do my best." 

"Good." 

Spencer watched the relief flood over her body, even if he wasn't actively trying to look for cues she was so expressive despite coming across as standoffish that he really couldn't help but notice. Even if she was looking away from him, he was still able to read her like an open book. A ringing forced him to tear his eyes from her. He glanced down, seeing a text from Garcia telling him that he was required at the round table in twenty minutes.

Y/N raised an eyebrow at him. "Work?" 

He put his phone back in his pocket. "Uh yeah, sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise. I'll call you when I'm free." Spencer began heading to the door. "Are you heading down?"

"I think I'm going to stay up here a little longer." Spencer hesitated slightly. "Go ahead, go be a hero or whatever. I'll want to hear all about it when you get back but, for now, I just...want to clear my head a little bit more."

After another couple seconds of watching her, just to be sure, he left her alone to go attend to his job, hoping that he had actually made some kind of difference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Her Reason was originally going to be the name of this entire fic. 
> 
> Also, prepare for one very slow burn cause I don't plan to have these to get together or admit feelings for far too long mwahaha


End file.
